Get your new nose NOW, with DIY cosmetic surgery - only $7.50
Nose too wide? Embarrassed by your cavernous nostrils? Well, not any more with 'CoCo – Beautiful New Look of Nose'. Once again, Texyt's team of investigative journalists embedded in Asia have searched high and low to bring you another amazing scientific breakthrough from the shelves of their local supermarket.
Just leave this dainty clip tightly clamped on your nose at all times, and watch your face become more beautiful every day until you ultimately attain a 'Cleopatra Nose'. Your transformation could take place within days, or even months.
Don't worry about it clashing with the rest of your wardrobe, because it's now available in both pink and blue!
CoCo – Beautiful New Look of Nose is available at discerning stores in Japan, Korea and Taiwan from only $7.50. Why spend more on expensive plastic surgery and fancy doctors when you can just 'do it yourself'?
What are they smoking?
Here's the back of the product package. We offer the translation (below) in the spirit of fun rather than strict accuracy.
1. "Hey my friend! You have a wide nose. Incidentally, I had a wide nose before, but thanks to 'CoCo – Beautiful New Look of Nose', my gargantuan proboscis is a thing of the past. Check it out!"
2. "Awesome! I can watch this convenient mirror and see my nose slimming down even as I drive my car. Oops, sorry about your kid, lolz!"
3. "Just a few more months of this torture, and I'll I have a Cleopatra Nose like that big-haired famous lady on TV. Or perhaps the restricted blood flow will just make my nose drop off. Problem solved either way!"
4. "By keeping this unobtrusive clip on while I sleep, I can accelerate the nose-altering process! I know I just need to persevere and my hitherto dreary life will be utterly transformed by my new petite schnozzer.
Gosh, I really hope I get my new nose before I suffer further brain damage from the oxygen starvation caused by my self-induced sleep apnea."
Quick, bring out some science
According to the science department at Texyt Labs, this product isn't quite as ridiculous as it seems. Actually, your face or body shape CAN be gradually altered by this kind of steady pressure. Anybody who has had an ear (or other appendage) pierced has experienced this – if you don't keep the hole open, it'll slowly close up.
But we dread to imagine what kind of misshapen nose you could end up with, if this gimcrack $7.50 contraption goes awry. Not to mention the embarrassment of constantly looking like a synchronized swimmer who forgot to take her nose clip off.
Hey, but if you do want to take the plunge, don't forget: there's nothing to prevent you applying this to other body parts you want reshaped